At the end of each year I do a massive clean out. I mean massive! It starts in December and pretty much takes me the whole month! I do it very slowly, strategically and make sure it doesn't overwhelm me. The list is extensive as I literally go through each room, each cupboard and throw out anything that has not been used or no longer serves me. I've done this way before the amazing Marie Condo, but I do love that woman!
This year, when I got to cleaning out my office (and wow this year that was a lot more emotional than any other year before) I stumbled across old diaries, payslips from the year 2000 (what!), all types of train tickets, movie tickets, toys etc. I thought I had thrown all this out, but clearly I was still holding onto some childhood/teenage years. What struck me the most were the themes in all the writing I kept. When I read them, I was a little sad to see that they were not all that nice. A lot of them spoke about pain of moving countries, feeling lost, people that had hurt me, events that left me bruised. But why was I keeping these for all these years? And then it dawned on me!! I WAS an emotional hoarder! I say "was" very intentionally because I no longer choose to hang onto the scars of the past..
I had purposely kept items, writings and belongings that reminded me of pain. It's like I needed the reminder so I never ever let those things happen again. Little did I know that I didn't need the extra help! Our brains love storing any danger related stories already!
I can see the complete logic in this emotional hoarding though. Who wants to go through the same pain again? But guess what; contrary to the saying, my kind of history; very rarely repeats itself. Having that past on repeat has done nothing but taken away my energy to actually enjoy all the good times. And let me tell you; 1992 was a long time ago and still no sign of its return! I think it's
safe to say we're done! So I decided to let go. I threw it all out and with that I released what was never mine to hold onto so tightly. And then I found this:
I drew this in 1989 when I was just 4 years old. The theme we were given to draw was "love". Now there is a piece of history that was worth replaying in my subconscious and bringing to life. Just as I did when I was 4 years old, I will continue to focus on this kind of love that is now part of my every day.